Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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