Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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