wrigley field is MILF paradise
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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