Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
All the doctor said was why
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
