I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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