New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
