She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
handjob tips. give me some.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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