Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
