the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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