Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize