I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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