eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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