She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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