I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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