when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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