i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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