So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
