YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
