i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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