the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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