So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
