Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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