All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Randomize
