so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
