words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
