Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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