I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
