I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
