so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
