It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
