I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
