Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
