College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
