The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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