He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
