I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
