i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Boobs are out for the taking
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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