I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Soap is not a condiment
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize