This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
