is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize