I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
