If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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