someone get that fucking seahorse.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
