I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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