Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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