i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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