i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
