My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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