I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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