I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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