so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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