I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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