saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Randomize