god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
