You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize