im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
