I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
