saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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