Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
