just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
