I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
