You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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