he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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