god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
