i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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