if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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