i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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