32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize