they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
